Lately, I have been able to look back at the journey {{shutter}} and realize that no matter how much we asked for help navigating this process of divorce, custody battles, step parenting and co parenting, there was just no one to share their thoughts or encouragement. Don't get me wrong, we had a great support system in place with our parents and church family, but they really didn't understand what was happening and were sort of in a similar unfamiliar territory with us, lost!
My husband and I have been both commended by family, friends and therapists and have mockingly stated we would make great lawyers and councilors, but the mere thought of re-hashing the last few years was enough to say a resounding NO! I see now why no one was able to help guide us through the mucky process of it all. It's emotional, it's pain, it's repetitive and so so so sad.
But after all that "stuff", there are a staggering number of families still muddling through and losing their minds. Someone has to step up and say something and I guess I'm going to now.
Our experiences are related to the Northern California counties of Placer and Sacramento (legal mumbo: please do not construe any of this material here and going forward throughout this blog as legal help, these are experiences we have found to be helpful and you should always seek advice of a licensed therapist and/or attorney).
I knew I shouldn't have married him! I was pregnant and had broken up after his many tantrums where he had "pretended" to run me over with his car. Incredulous! I come from a well off background, raised Christian and all too prideful to believe I fell for the cute bad boy that became my ex-husband and father to my three daughters 11 years later. My mom (who was still reeling from the traumatic divorce with my dad when I was 15) and soon to be husband tried to reason with me. I was pregnant, they offered one of their rental properties to my bad boy and I and maybe he was just having a bad moment, because he was generally great. So there it was, I was on my wedding day, tears streaming down because I really did not want to go through it. My brother gave me his sunglasses and my dad joked around that there was always divorce, haha.... But my bad boy was actually pretty amazing that one day, when the stress of my mom's pressure and my shock at over hearing his friends taking bets on how long this will last, bad boy was pretty great that one day.
Throughout the tumultuous marriage and several separations, it was discovered that bad boy was clinically diagnosed with mental health issues. We had a reason for the behavior AND a plan to work through it. Several more years later, he just no longer wanted to try, turned to substance abuse and then to volatile abuse towards me. When our girls started to take notice, I was finally done. I insisted on counseling once again at our local medical center and had a security guard, along with a counselor guide me through the process. A safety plan is very important in an abusive situation.
Safety plans are very important in any case of divorce, custody and parenting in step or co... Read more on my next blog.
